When a Child Tells You Something Difficult

September 30, 2026

Written by Janine Appleby, Early Childhood Teacher with more than 20 years’ experience, and Rebecca Marshall, Artist, co-writer and illustrator of The Hoot Hoot Way

If a child tells you something that makes your stomach drop, it can be difficult to know what to do next. You may be trying to understand what they mean while also managing your own reaction.

Children do not always disclose difficult things in the way adults imagine they will. They may make an offhand comment, ask a strange question, mention something while they are playing, or tell you something significant and then carry on with whatever they were doing.

Sometimes they are testing the water. They are watching your face and listening to your response, trying to work out whether it is safe to say more.

So what do we do when it happens?

There is no perfect script, but there are some simple things worth having ready before you ever need them.

Before anything else, breathe

Your first reaction matters.

Even when something a child says is deeply upsetting, frightening or confusing, try to stay as calm as you can. You do not need to pretend that nothing has happened, but the child needs to feel that you can handle what they are telling you.

If your face shows shock or panic, they may decide they have said too much. They may become embarrassed, frightened or worried that they have caused trouble, and they may stop talking.

Take a breath. Slow yourself down. Give the child your attention.

You do not need to have all the answers in that moment. You just need to be a safe person to talk to.

What can you say?

Sometimes the simplest words are the most important.

“Thank you for telling me.”

This lets the child know that talking to you was the right thing to do.

“I’m glad you told me.”

Children can worry about what will happen once they tell. Reassuring them that you are glad they came to you can help take away some of that fear.

“You are not in trouble.”

This can be especially important if the child is worried they have done something wrong or that someone will be angry with them.

“I’m going to help you.”

You do not need to promise exactly what will happen next. You can simply reassure the child that they are not going to be left to deal with it alone.

You might also say:

“I’m listening.”

“You can tell me what you want me to know.”

“You did the right thing by telling me.”

The words themselves are simple, but the message underneath them is powerful: I heard you. I am taking you seriously. You have not done anything wrong by telling me.

What should you avoid?

When a child tells us something difficult, our instinct can be to ask lots of questions because we want to understand what has happened.

Try to resist that urge.

Avoid asking leading questions such as, “Did he touch you there?” or “Did that happen at school?”

Instead, if you need to clarify something, use open questions such as, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What happened next?”

Try not to express disbelief, even if what you are hearing is difficult to understand.

Avoid promising to keep the information a secret. You may need to tell another adult or contact a service to help keep the child safe. You can explain this gently:

“I can’t keep this a secret because I need to help keep you safe, but I will tell you what I can about what happens next.”

And importantly, you do not need to investigate the situation yourself. Your role is to listen, support the child and follow the appropriate safeguarding or reporting procedures.

Once the child is safe and the immediate conversation has ended, write down what the child said as soon as possible. Record their words accurately, using their own words wherever possible. Include the date, time, location, who was present, and any relevant observations.

Then, follow your service’s child protection procedures and contact the appropriate authority.

In Victoria, early childhood teachers are mandatory reporters. Where an educator forms a reasonable belief that a child is in need of protection from physical or sexual abuse, they have a legal obligation to make a report to Child Protection. Other concerns about a child’s safety or wellbeing may also require action or referral under Victorian child protection and wellbeing laws and your service policies.

Across Australia, mandatory reporting requirements vary between states and territories. Educators must follow the laws that apply in their jurisdiction, together with their service’s child protection procedures.

If you are a parent and your child tells you about abuse that occurred outside the home, you can contact Police or Child Protection. You do not need to investigate or prove what happened yourself. If you have a reasonable belief that a child may be unsafe, seek advice and report your concern.

If you are unsure what to do, contact the Child Protection Helpline in your state or territory and explain what the child has said. They can guide you through the appropriate next steps.

Remember: You do not have to solve everything yourself. Listen, respond calmly, document accurately, and seek help from the right people.

And then, let the child be a child

After something difficult has been said, it can be tempting to keep checking in with the child and asking them to explain it again.

Unless there is a specific reason to do so, they should not have to keep retelling their story to different adults.

Once the appropriate steps have been taken, ordinary life still matters.

Play. Read a book. Have lunch. Go outside. Sit together. Do something familiar.

A child can have experienced something difficult and still want to laugh, play, draw, eat their favourite food or talk about something completely unrelated five minutes later.

That does not mean what they told you was unimportant.

It means they are still a child.

Children may also show that something is troubling them through changes in their behaviour, sleep, confidence, relationships or routines. If you notice ongoing changes, continue to offer warmth and support and seek appropriate professional advice when needed.

What about the adult?

These conversations can affect adults too.

You might feel shocked, angry, frightened or completely out of your depth. You may find yourself replaying the conversation later and wondering whether you said the right thing.

Be kind to yourself.

Supporting a child does not mean carrying everything on your own. Talk to someone appropriate, seek professional guidance when you need it, and make sure you have somewhere to put your own feelings.

The child needs a safe adult.

That safe adult also needs support.

This is something we can teach before it is needed

In The Hoot Hoot Way, Miss Owl talks a lot about trusted adults.

Not because we want children to be frightened about what might happen, but because knowing who they can turn to is something worth learning long before they need it.

Miss Owl reminds her little owls that trusted adults listen, take them seriously and help them when something feels wrong.

She also reminds them that there are no body secrets they have to keep from a safe adult.

These are simple ideas, but they become much more meaningful when children have heard them before they need them.

Because when a child finally says, “I need to tell you something,” the adult’s response can help determine what happens next.

Sometimes the most important thing we can give a child in that moment is our calm attention and the words:

“Thank you for telling me. I’m here. We’ll work out what to do next.”

A question for the grown-ups

We’d love to hear from the educators, parents and carers here.

What’s one thing you wish every adult knew about responding when a child tells them something difficult?

No stories or identifying details are needed. Just a sentence, a piece of advice or something you think every adult should have in their back pocket.

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If you are concerned about a child’s safety, seek advice from the relevant child protection or police service in your state or territory.

In Australia, 1800RESPECT provides support and information for people experiencing or supporting someone experiencing domestic, family and sexual violence, or use their online services, available 24/7.